One of the heaviest burdens we carry on our trek through life is judgement, which consumes more of our time than any one of us would care to admit. I'd like to make a case for why we should strive to lay that burden down, but the greatest reason of all is how insidious judgement is in stealing our attention in ways that we miss out on our own experience.
And what does it matter anyway? We can have all the judgmental thoughts in the world, but they don't move the needle on anything. From little judgements like "I can't believe she wore that!" to the intolerant, nasty ones that lead to hateful behaviors, judgement is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die. We carry all the burden and the person or thing that wound us up to begin with is still there, still doing their thing. It's all on us.
I remember going to a cocktail party years ago, an event I had very much looked forward to attending. I was surprised to see a person with whom I'd had past unpleasant history also in attendance. I got back home from the party feeling it had been a bust, but the truth of the matter was that I has wasted a wonderful occasion judging her every move. Shame on me!
To keep judgement from stealing our thoughts, we have to recognize when it is happening, which is hard because casting opinions on another can be so alluring. And often times, it slips it's way in as a sexy little cover of our own insecurities. It may be far easier to look down our nose on another than into a mirror at our self.
Mindfulness is a powerful tool. Ideally, when we catch ourselves harboring judgement, we can at least take a step back and replace the thoughts with something more productive. Even better, we take a moment to ask why? Are our thoughts even true? And, how do we know? Are our judgements based on learned biases, past experiences, cultural norms or just the product of a bad day?
At a minimum, we can use mindfulness to keep the time thief of judgement at bay. At best, maybe we learn something and become a better version of our self.
The funny thing about judgement is that it is game of absolutes, played in a world where things are rarely binary. One could argue murder is universally accepted as wrong, yet people are "justifiably" killed in this world every day in the throes of war, to punish those convicted for heinous offenses or in the name of religious purity. Turns out we can conjure many circumstances that justify taking the life of another. But who decides?
Hypocrisy is judgement's kissing cousin. I've lost count of all the times in my life when something I once found absolute dissolved to shades of gray. I grew up a pretty judgmental person. My mother (truly not judging her) taught me to believe things were either right or wrong. As a child, I could buy into her "black or white" nature pretty easily, but I was always uncomfortable with the scorn that sometimes accompanied her judgement. In an effort to thread the needle, I would often just step away from people versus being at odds with them. But whittling away people based on moral judgement can make the world really small, really quick.
I could not wait to move away and start college. I saw it as a way to broaden my horizons, try new things, meet new people, make friends and forge my own way. I packed light, but managed to find room to for plenty of small-mindedness, leading to one of the most painful memories I've ever carried.
Following a disastrous first go at a pot-luck roommate, I was next paired with a smart, funny young woman in my second semester whom I really liked. She seemed so well put together, but that quickly changed. Within weeks, she stayed out all night and skipped classes to sleep late. She started smoking and binge drinking and I was pretty sure she was experimenting with drugs. Her grades dropped like a rock. I clearly remember staying up one terrible night with her, terrified she might actually die. I propped her against me so she would not choke on her own vomit and closely watched this tiny gold chain she wore on her neck for signs of a pulse. She was too drunk to make her way to the bathroom and peed on the little rug where she lay with me.
About two weeks after that night, I got scared enough to call her parents. The next day they packed her up and took her home. I was worried she would be angry, but she seemed relieved. A couple of weeks later I called to check on her and her mother said she was improving. She thanked me for calling them to help and told me the story (none of which I knew) that had led to her daughter's behavioral spiral.
My roomie had been engaged to her high school sweetheart, a young man she desperately loved. The morning of the wedding, she learned he had slept with her maid-of honor. Devastated, she called it off. Fueled by revenge, she slept with his brother later that summer; a drunken one-night stand that led to an unwanted pregnancy. She always wanted a family, but this pregnancy ended in abortion. She had endured so much pain to be so young.
With her mother still on the phone, I could not stop sobbing. But the tears were not compassion, they were guilt. My roomie had once brought up the topic of abortion in casual discussion and I told her I believed abortion was murder. She changed the topic and we went on to other things. But looking back, we never really talked about stuff that mattered after that point. No wonder!
I confessed all this to her mother and sobbed a heartfelt apology. Her forgiveness was instant. Instead she thanked me for caring enough to get involved and get her daughter help. It would be many years before I forgave myself for the comment.
As an adopted child, and practicing Christian, I have always leaned pro-life. But Jesus didn't lead with judgement, he led with love. I could have listened and empathized with her, offered my support and understanding without compromising my own beliefs. By judging her (albeit so very unintentional) I alienated her and alienated myself from the opportunity to do what God intended.
My career has allowed me wonderful opportunities to do all the things I found exciting when I started college - meet new people, try new things, experience ideas totally foreign to me. For the opportunity to open my mind and heart, I am profoundly grateful. I've made friends around the globe. They have different lifestyles, practice different religions, eat different foods and believe a broad spectrum of things. I am now capable of loving them wholly and authentically.
I'd like to say I had completely freed myself of judgement, but that would be a lie. But had I not learned to recognize its harmful grip, just look at the beautiful people, places, ideas and blessings I would have missed.
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