If you are breathing, this has happened to you. Someone approaches you to do something. It can be a volunteer assignment like chairing your child’s school fundraiser or serving on the board of a non-profit. It may be a professional opportunity like a promotion or transfer at work. Perhaps it is a personal favor, like intervening in a challenged situation. The moment the request is made, the voice inside your head is screaming no! Every fiber of your body wants to run away. Then, for no apparent reason, you blurt out the word “yes.” The act of mentally kicking yourself begins immediately, but you are trapped.
The scenario continues in one of two ways. In the first, you take responsibility for giving your word and work as diligently as possible to make good on your commitment. The second, and more likely, is that you “phone it in,” doing the bare minimum or even less. The first option is more noble than the second, but neither truly fulfills you because, bottom-line, you are doing something you don’t want to do.
This past weekend while visiting with a Chamber member, she mentioned the active versus the passive no. She explained that the act of not doing something is, in essence, a passive no. It was a whack on the side of the head moment for me.
When we get caught in the trap of having to do something we didn’t want to do, we often experience resentment. We become unfairly frustrated with the person who asked for our help. Is it their fault for asking? No. The resentment we feel should be self-directed for not having the fortitude to respectfully decline.
Or worse, if we fail to follow through on the commitment, or under-perform at the task, we are left with feelings of guilt. And we may jeopardize our relationship with the asker and/or our personal reputation by not being able to fulfill an obligation we never wanted in the first place.
I believe the reason we struggle so mightily with saying no is that we like making people happy. We genuinely want to help. But if we cannot give our all to the task, or perform the task with anything less than a joyful heart, we run an even greater risk of falling short of the mark.
So how do we say no? I think the best response (not that I have fully mastered this one) is honesty. It goes something like this. “I am hugely honored that you would think of me for (fill in the blank) and to believe I have what it takes, but with the commitments currently on my plate, I don’t believe I have the capacity to do it well. I think far too much of our relationship to ever let you down that way.” While we may feel uncomfortable giving this response, isn’t it far better than later having to explain why you failed to deliver on what you promised? And really, who can be upset with such an honest assessment?
I recently read an article about a woman who was offered a dream job – more money, enhanced professional prestige, opportunities for global travel and access to people who could boost her up the proverbial ladder of success. Those around her said she would be crazy to let the opportunity pass her by. She herself knew it was an incredible job, but she also knew it would limit her time to focus on her other life priorities. She came to the conclusion that saying no would free her up to say yes when it mattered most to her. It’s easy to clutter our lives so entirely with “have-to” items that deliver little personal value that we have no space left for the “want to” items that can lead us to the fulfillment of our innermost goals.
Learning to say no with grace and courage is a good thing. It eliminates personal frustration, steers us from damaging relationships and helps us have the time and energy to say yes to the stuff that is a good fit. Doing nothing is the same as a no, it simply lacks the class of being willing to just come out and say it.
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